Following almost every breakup, a question that never seems to go out of style comes up: Was it really my fault? That line is often more common among women as they have higher tendencies to gaslight themselves than men will ever do. Breakups are chaotic events—they happen for a variety of reasons, and sometimes, for no reason at all. And if you didn’t know, it takes both sides to reach that point. In this article, we asked a group of women if they’ve ever wondered, Was it really my fault that it didn’t work out? Here’s what they had to say:
MARIAM, 28
“For weeks after my breakup, I kept asking myself that question. And most of the time, my answer would be ‘yes,’” Mariam says. “Sometimes, when you’re too in love, you go as far as denying they’re not good for you. Only when you wake up one day and realize you’re consumed by it, do you understand that it wasn’t really your fault.”
SARAH, 26
“For the majority of our relationship, I was the one who always got blamed for literally everything,” Sarah adds. “And what’s worse is that I always convinced myself that I was wrong. But as time passed, and now that it’s been a year since we broke up, I have another question in mind: Isn’t love supposed to make you feel good? And if it doesn’t, and instead brings out the worst in you, can we even call it love?”
AMINA, 34
“You know, every single woman out there is probably going to say it was never her fault, but I believe that sometimes it is,” Amina explains. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been on countless dates, but from my experience, I think the guy has more responsibility in making the relationship work. However, it takes both sides to make it last.” She continues, “One of my exes told me something the day we broke up that I’ll never forget: ‘You were so protective of yourself that you attacked me all the time.’ And I really understood that.” She says, “That was the only time I didn’t need to ask myself if it was my fault because I knew it was.” “Sometimes, we get so caught up in our own minds that we fail to see the relationship for what it really is. We throw logic and sense aside and let our emotions drive us. However, when we look at the bigger picture, we realize that we won’t need to ask ourselves questions like that anymore.”
NOUR, 27
“Not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships, family, and other connections, your mind can trick you into thinking it was your fault how things ended,” Nour shares. “Fear of loneliness consumes you; it can make you stay in toxic relationships simply because you’re afraid of being alone. It can even make you swallow all the nonsense from friends who aren’t really friends, just so you can say, ‘I have a life.’” She concludes, “So, if you’re wondering, ‘Was it really my fault it didn’t work out?’ well, it might have been. But most of the time, your only mistake is allowing someone to drag you down so low, only to leave you without any closure in the end.”
Well, I guess we can say that blame doesn’t always lie solely on one side. We’re human; we make mistakes, and that’s completely okay. We hurt people sometimes, and we do right by others. We’re good in someone’s story, and we’re villains in others’. Breakups hurt, yes. And all the unanswered questions that follow can rip you apart. Whether you’re wondering, Was it really my fault that it didn’t work out? or Could we have been together in another life?—believe us, the answers—right or wrong—won’t take you anywhere. The person you broke up with taught you something, gave you something, and made you feel a lot of things. Take time to gather those lessons, reflect on them, and move forward.
And always remember Iris (Kate Winslet in The Holiday) when she said: “Because you’re hoping you’re wrong.” We fill our minds with delusions that only serve as pain killers, when the only cure we need is the bare truth.