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Love is an art. As any art form, it stems from an impulse, a feeling. It involves trial and error, and a certain devotion. Love, given and received, carries an added layer: it is a co-creation. Two beings, each bringing their own way of expressing their art, giving life to a shared piece: their relationship. It requires harmonizing. It requires attunement.
This piece is about bridging between two unique individuals and creating a loving shared space. We will first delve into loneliness and its roots, before bringing to the forefront its counterpart: intimacy. From there, we will consider how intimacy can be cultivated in long-term relationships through vulnerability. We will then explore how moments of discomfort and friction can become essential to growth within the relationship. Finally, we will invite in lightness and fun and reflect on their role in deepening our bonds.
LONELINESS AND INTIMACY
Loneliness is the deepest form of disconnection. We have all experienced it at some point in our lives. It is part of the human condition. Sadly, in recent years, with the increasing individualization of our societies, loneliness has been spreading at an alarming speed; to the point that “emotional engagement” and “connection” have been commodified and are being exploited by social media and other digital platforms, including platforms built around adult content. This dynamic is now extending further through AI driven systems, giving rise to a whole new economy.
What is loneliness?
“At the heart of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interaction – an intimate relationship, friendships, family gatherings, or even community or work group connections.” Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart (2021)
The way I feel loneliness in my body is a void-like sensation in my chest, a tightness under my rib cage, and a difficulty breathing deeply. It brings an overall sense of unease, heightens my anxiety, and at times turns into despair. It also manifests through overwhelm; an emotion that feels too large to contain, or a challenge, burden, or project that feels too big to carry alone, having to go through it without someone who sees, feels, understands, values, trusts, supports me, or is simply by my side.
Studies have shown that loneliness is a condition that should not be taken lightly. Brené Brown, in Atlas of the Heart (2021), refers to research showing that “loneliness affects physical health, increasing the risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, depression, and anxiety. In the workplace, it reduces task performance, limits creativity, and impairs key aspects of executive functioning such as reasoning and decision making.” Research by Dr. Vivek Murthy, published in the Harvard Business Review, 2017.
Loneliness is encountered in various contexts. In societies that have increasingly promoted individualism and weakened the supportive structures that communities once provided; more and more people, during challenging stages of life particularly in old age, find themselves alone, without a reliable network of support. There are also people who find themselves in environments that lack the capacity or willingness to accept or welcome them for who they are, instead pressuring them to fit in or risk being shamed, diminished, rejected, or even persecuted. This leaves them with two options: either conform, living with the deep pain of self-betrayal, or be rejected. And that feels terribly lonely.
“Loneliness does not come from having no people around us, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to us.” Carl Gustav Jung
In this article we will focus on yet another form of loneliness; the loneliness that stems from the inability to express what truly matters to us, our inner experiences, thoughts, and feelings, to those around us.
As Carl Gustav Jung suggests in the above quote, loneliness and healthy solitude are very distinct experiences. Solitude, when lived well, reflects our capacity to be with ourselves, to stand on our own feet, and to enjoy our own company. It can be deeply healing. The ability to remain in and appreciate this kind of solitude both arises from and strengthens our inner sense of safety and security. It lays the ground for self-trust and for true intimacy.
In The Hour of the Heart (2024), Irvin Yalom defines intimacy as follows “intimacy means closeness, affection, familiarity and the warm, tender opening of people to another”. While it can involve the all-important caring, benevolent touch and physical closeness, it goes beyond that.
The key to developing intimacy is the willingness to open up and to share an intimate space with another. This sounds simple enough, yet most people struggle with it. Intimacy requires vulnerability. But the latter does not feel safe. Many of us have had experiences in which emotional openness went badly, felt horrible, and led us to protect ourselves by closing.
However, it is only by taking the risk of opening up to another that we can receive the connection we long for.
VULNERABILITY
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (1960)
Many people think of vulnerability as the sharing of sadness, pain, or weakness. It is more than that. When we reveal something that could be judged or misused, a feeling or a need of ours, we feel vulnerable. When the other responds with acceptance, support, or vulnerability of their own, we immediately feel safer and closer to them. That is intimacy. It is physiological. It regulates the nervous system. It repairs.
A healthy relationship allows the full expression of each person: speaking from our lived experience, expressing ourselves truthfully, asserting our rights without cruelty or judgment. It requires noticing what is happening within and speaking from our truth, from the heart. It calls for courage.
Brené Brown describes vulnerability as one of the clearest measures of courage: “It involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. To be brave is to put yourself out there, to risk hurt and failure.” That is true maturity. It supports us in growing beyond the fear of the child toward expansion, allowing us to grow as individuals and in relationship.
Naming our needs does not necessarily mean that they will be met. In a relationship, we are two different, complex human beings, each with our own subjective experience, fears and needs, and at times, these differences lead to disagreements. But in expressing ourselves, we begin to stand for who we are. We start revealing the parts of ourselves we are ashamed of, and the ones we struggle with. In doing so, we start accepting ourselves.
That is when we make room for true connection and love. Opening up in this way also exposes us to the possibility of being judged, and when that judgment is not used as a weapon, when the other listens and stays, trust begins to settle. Trust is built slowly, over time, through consistent experiences in which we feel safe, seen, respected, valued, and cared for. It allows each partner to release control, to surrender more fully, both to themselves and to the other.
- Will you stay once you know my darker sides?
- Do you love me not despite my imperfections, but with them?
- Can you forgive me, when I fall short?
- Can you be patient with me?
- Do you respect me? do you respect my boundaries?
- Will you support me in moving toward what matters to me?
- Can you show yourself to me?
- Do you trust me?
The more “Yes” we receive to these questions, the safer we feel, and the more trust grows, both toward the other and within ourselves.
I also love this practical illustration Brené Brown brings up in her talk “The Call to Courage”
“Show me a woman who can sit with a man in real shame, fear, and vulnerability, who can stay present, offering her heart and support without feeling threatened by his vulnerability, who does not try to change him, who does not derive her safety from his strength or her worth from him, and I will show you a woman who has done her work.
Show me a man who can sit with a woman in her shame, fear, and vulnerability, who does not try to fix her or control her, but listens and offers his presence and heart, and I will show you a man who has done his work.”
I have seen and experienced these commonly feminine and masculine traits manifesting in both women and men. It is interesting to notice when either, or both, arise in you.
A PRACTICE OF OPENING AND RECEIVING:
In revealing ourselves to each other, a simple exercise can help. Sit with a partner or a friend and take turns for 12 minutes each (you can time it!). One person speaks from their own experience and feelings, speaking from the “I” rather than the “You”, without judging or attacking, while the other’s role is to be present and receive, without preparing a response or defending. Presence and active listening in the one receiving can be supported through deep or steady breathing and by staying connected to one’s bodily sensations, noticing how the other’s words impact them. Feeling impacted is part of the experience. Then switch roles.
It is important to note that vulnerability also calls for discernment. It involves paying attention to what we share, how we share it, with whom, and in which circumstances. This is where the notions of: self-knowledge, self-respect, responsibility, and self-care, that have been discussed in my previous article (The Ever-Becoming Self, Part 5: The Four Pillars of Love), come in. If trust has been repeatedly eroded or used against us, it matters to recognize it, to be discerning, and to respond accordingly.
When speaking our truth and receiving another’s, various emotions can surface. Some of them can be deeply uncomfortable, giving rise to moments of tension and friction. In the continuation of this piece, coming out next week, we will explore more deeply the role friction plays in strengthening our relationships, alongside a few real life illustrations. We will also highlight the importance of lightness, pleasure and fun in nurturing deep bonds.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hella Zouiten is a contributing writer at ELLE Egypt. She is a Core Energetics/ Body-mind integration psychotherapist living in France. If you would like to know more about her, click here.
