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Each of us carries a deep longing for the fulfillment of authentic pleasure: a merging of our life- given and life-giving forces of love, creativity, and inner-power. Yet, in varying degrees, we all find ways to defend ourselves against it.Something within us seems to block these sources from flowing freely. Barriers we have built against fear, pain, and other unbearable feelings, often created in childhood (more on this in The Ever-becoming Self Part 2: Love, loss and the anatomy of trauma).These defenses gradually morph into an idealized self-image: our Mask. This article explores how to move beyond these obstacles to meet our inner light. A journey that requires an honest exploration of both the positive (our Higher Self) and the negative (our Lower Self) aspects of our personality.
The other day I went to one of my favorite restaurants in the Old Town of Nice, with my family. As we were leaving, I stumbled upon one of the owners; a tall, handsome man with a bright smile who has always welcomed us warmly. I asked him about the history of his restaurant. He told me it was founded by his grandmother in 1927, that it had remained a family business ever since, and that he, his sister, and his brother now run it together.
I congratulated him. I was already impressed by the quality of their food and service, and even more so after learning that they managed all of it as siblings. I have always believed one should not mix family or friendship with business; I have seen too many bonds break after placing such bets. Our patterns often operate beneath the surface, emerging in our daily interactions, even more so when we are around those who were present at the time these patterns were formed, namely our nuclear family.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
Carl Gustav Jung
The owner mentioned that it wasn’t easy every day (I bet!) and that there had been many “hiccups.” Then he added “some of these hiccups can bring up your darkest sides. When that happens, it is frightening.” (I could not agree more!) “But despite that, we manage to move through it”.
We waste so much of our energy trying to keep at bay one of the things that terrifies us most: our own inner “demons”, what Carl Jung called the Shadow and what John Pierrakos named the Lower Self. From a very young age, we develop survival mechanisms to shield ourselves from overwhelm and from our own perceived darkness, forming what in Core Energetics is referred to as the “Mask”; an armor initially designed to protect us, that keeps steering our lives, long after the original threat has disappeared. It becomes the way we affirm our worth; the way we present ourselves to the world. With time, a character structure grows around it. There are three “main” masks: Love, Serenity and Power. These three can be expressed in various ways and usually present a distorted version of our gift.
Beneath the Mask, we see the Lower Self at work through three main aspects: pride, fear, and self-will. Pride says “I am above others,” claiming specialness and a right to self-importance. Fear insists we must protect ourselves at all costs, justifying anything we do in the name of self- defense. Self-will demands we get what we want when we want it, excusing egocentric impulses. These movements shape the emotional and behavioral patterns we act out until we meet them with awareness.
John Pierrakos wrote “When we become conscious of the Lower Self […] when we find the courage to say, ‘I’m cruel, I want to hurt you, I want to punish you,’ a great part of the transformational process has begun.” As in “The Beauty and the Beast”, we can redeem the beast within only through love and acceptance. There is nothing in the human psyche that cannot be transformed if brought to the light of awareness. When seen clearly and held, the Lower Self stops expressing itself in distorted ways. I can write pages on distortions as it includes several themes that are close to my heart. Here, I will only list some:
- Distortions as a way to disconnect from the self/the body: Rigidity, control over the self, obsessive compulsive behavior, compulsive use of social media (endless scrolling), anxiety, over-thinking, seeking company for the sake of company, overworking oneself, never stopping (burn-out), going beyond one’s boundaries, submission, co-dependency, substances and alcohol overuse (addiction), eating disorders (bulimia, anorexia, etc.), feeding and believing the harsh inner critic (depression), suicidal ideation (sadly, the ultimate disconnection), etc.
- Distortions as a way to disconnect from others: Isolation, closing off, choosing AI interaction over human engagement, blaming, passive-aggressive behavior, judgment, self-denigration, control over others, self-inflation, domination, manipulation, victimization, humiliation, disrespect, cruelty, violence, I won’t express my needs, I won’t share my true feelings, I won’t need anyone, etc.
- Distortions as a way to disconnect from meaning: Cultivating a superficial image, accumulating possessions and titles, consumerism, meaningless jobs, meaningless relationships, meaningless connections (through social media), cynicism, etc.
Negativity met within the self can be embraced, forgiven and released. This is true both emotionally and physically.
Embracing and releasing my own held anger has been, and still is, a process. Much of it has been stuck in my rigid calves, my clenched jaw and a pelvis that “holds back”. At times, this has shaped my interactions in subtle, distorted ways, slipping into relationship through a mix of a love and a serenity mask.
Anger often covers hurt or boundaries being crossed. In my process, and with support I will forever be grateful for, I was able to come into contact with this energy, to move it, to touch what lies beneath it, and to gradually surrender to what’s happening within me. This allowed me to develop greater awareness of my emotional states and my boundaries.
The deeper I went into this process, the less I used my serenity and love to serve my insecurities. I became aware of my oscillation between withdrawal and losing myself in others (the love mask), as well as around the intellectual over-analyzer within me (the serenity mask). I realized that a part of me was seeking validation, proof that I was enough and worthy of love, while another was trying to avoid hurt by staying in the head.
With this realization I also saw how my masks interfered with both giving and receiving authentic love, and how I sabotaged what I most yearned for: my autonomy and my leadership. This marked a shift. I identify less and less with my defenses, which in turn opens the way for something more aligned to emerge.
Working through the Lower Self frees us from its bondage; it allows us to reclaim and redirect the immense energy it holds toward the creative force within us, our “Core”. This transformation is beautifully illustrated by Sir Anthony Hopkins when he explains, in an interview, how he used his own shadow to embody one of the most haunting figures ever seen in cinema; Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs:
“It’s the trick of knowing what frightens people. What scares us all? We’ve got so much inside us, demons we don’t even know about, and something can trigger them […] I think, from my childhood, that closed-off part [that said]: ‘You will never get me.’ It stayed with me all my life. By not reacting, you have power […]. Now, I don’t play those games anymore. But I understood. That’s how I understand Lecter: ‘Never give an inch.’ You are in the presence of a nightmare machine.”
Sir Anthony Hopkins, here, offers a striking illustration of the Lower Self, that part of us which shuts down in childhood or in moments of overwhelming experience, helping us overcome situations in which we felt powerless. However, over time, its negative intention becomes internalized and lived out for years, at our own expense. It says: ‘I won’t feel’ ‘I won’t show all of myself’, ‘I won’t express’, ‘I won’t enjoy’ ‘I won’t trust’ ‘I won’t let go, I won’t surrender’. In Hopkins’s case: ‘I won’t give an inch’. And the person we ultimately punish, that we ultimately sacrifice, the one we end up betraying, is ourselves. Realizing this is deeply painful.
In a safe environment, if and when we finally touch that part consciously and manage to move through it, we meet the feeling underneath, the one we’ve been trying to protect ourselves from: the sorrow, the deep pain, the hurt of betrayal, rejection and loss; the emptiness, the helplessness, the hopelessness, the fear, the terror, and more. We meet that part of ourselves that we have been trying to escape from, that we have been holding down for so long. With the right support, and with time and patience, our nervous system learns how to hold such uncomfortable emotions.
And we slowly discover that, as adults, our bodies can stay with what the child’s could not. The armor is no longer needed. Now, we can let life move through us, we can ride its waves. Our experience of life expands, making more room not only for difficult feelings but also for joy, pleasure and fulfilment. And although the Mask never fully disappears, it is part of us, we stop identifying with it. And that, that is what makes us feel freer; we open up to the flow of life. Now, we have a choice.
“It is not the critic that counts […] The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood […] who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”
Theodore Roosevelt
Exploring our truth also involves coming into contact with our longings and with the impulses that move us forward, toward our Higher Self. Yet this movement is often hindered by the Mask. In trying to minimize the child’s pain, it keeps us feeling stuck, unable to move toward the world we want to create for ourselves and for those around us.
Here, the fear of failure takes over, along with everything it carries: the shame, the fear of judgement, and the fear of losing the very dream that keeps us moving (for as long as it remains a fantasy, it feels as though it might survive). Our fear tells us that if we reveal our qualities, our love, we will disappoint, fail, or worse, be left alone. And so, we abandon ourselves, letting go of the chance of ever making our dreams come true. To dare, then, is to stand by our values, by who we are, and to trust that if we fail, we can rise again.
When we allow our light to shine beyond our armor, something magical happens: our longing, our creativity, and our life force begin to meet. From there, our inner-power expands, a sense of agency that allows us to shape the life we want, whether through art, innovation, meaningful work, acts of service, activism, or simply by sharing our presence and our story.
The Higher Self is as real as the Mask and the Lower Self; arguably, the most solid of the three. When we listen closely and follow its pull, it has a way of guiding us toward our love. Integration of these three aspects leads to a more authentic way of living, one less driven by fear, resentment or immaturity.
As we explore ourselves, bringing as much curiosity and compassion as possible to the process, we enter a deeper self-knowledge. We learn to recognize our core values. We identify our boundaries; where we end and where the other begins; what distance feels right. We cultivate self-respect; how to stop selling ourselves short, how to value ourselves, how to stand for ourselves. We identify our own needs and begin taking responsibility for them. We strengthen our inner power, a force that carries a very different energy from the power over others or feeling “better than”. And this is what ultimately liberates us, what true freedom feels like.
Working through these layers takes time and patience. The more acquainted we become with all parts of ourselves, the more we grow in self-trust. This helps us release toxic guilt and self- judgement. Slowly we build a more solid ground from which to go toward our heart’s desire, to succeed or to fail, and when we do fail, to take responsibility, to correct, and to rise again. This does not mean that we become immune to all contractions.
“Tormenting mortality
Ever present
Seething
Suffocating
Burns the chest
Soothing toxins dull the pain
More moments of feigned pleasure
Quickens the inevitable
Sinking deeper into the darkness
Farther from the purpose
Farther from the cure
The irony of consciousness”
Leo Alexander
The Lower Self, the part that wants to say NO to life, our distortions born from an attempt to protect us from inner torments, and our Masks, are present alongside our Higher Self, with our love and creativity. We can dream of a life clean of contradictions: where we eat healthy, are disciplined and authentic, stay with discomfort, hold elation, live by our values, do right by others… a life lived in wisdom. But that would be a refusal of our humanity, of the poetry within us, le grain de follie, of what makes us beautifully complex.
“Perfect means shallow and unreal and fatally uninteresting.”
Anne Lamott
Wisdom and poetry coexist within us. Contraction and expansion coexist within us, just as good and evil coexist in life. This is the paradox: refusing to accept certain parts of ourselves only leads to acting them out.
The more we warmly envelop and forgive what is difficult and what we want to push away, the more we love our imperfections, the quicker they soften, and the more sustainable their transformation becomes. At times, this has meant quite literally wrapping myself in a warm blanket, sinking into a bath or asking a friend to hold me, while recovering from such contractions. Bringing patience, tenderness and self-reflection to the process, rather than forceful change or relentless “self-improvement,”, and allowing ourselves to say This is where I am, and I am doing my best, creates an organic movement toward the next expansion.
Only true love and true meaning nourish and empower us to go further, pulled by what is life- giving rather than pushed by what we reject. Repeating patterns throughout life slowly solidifies an inner knowing; experience is the mother of wisdom. From there, we move forward, paving the way toward alignment and fulfillment.
There is no path until you walk it. And you don’t have to walk it alone.
Knowing oneself is a lifelong exploration. Looking inward plays a significant part, but there are aspects of ourselves that we can only reach through relationship. Meeting someone means encountering their subjective experience of the world, a reality different from our own. This encounter can reveal parts of us we did not even know existed. Anaïs Nin expresses this beautifully: “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Over time, relationships that endure and that matter deepen this process. The next article develops this further. Stay tuned.
ABOUT THE AUTHOUR
Hella Zouiten is a contributing writer at ELLE Egypt. She is a Core Energetics/ Body-mind integration psychotherapist living in France. If you would like to know more about her, click here.
