“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it, including you, for a few minutes.”
Anne Lamott — Traveling Mercies
The start of the new school year brings its hopes and challenges. As a mother of three, I feel the weight of many practical duties and the need for structure after the chaos of summer vacation. September always feels like a fresh start, a time to realign and set intentions for the months ahead. This often translates into endless ‘to-do’ lists, most of which get carried over to the next day. Each evening, I find myself exhausted, unfulfilled, and sometimes frustrated: ‘Where did the day go?’
I begin every day feeling grounded, fresh, and optimistic. But, as the day unfolds, unexpected events happen, the pressure builds and my attention scatters in all directions. More often than not, I find myself captivated by the flickering screen and the constant stream of notifications cradled in the palm of my hand.
According to Simone Veil, “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” So why do we have a hard time protecting it and directing it towards what truly matters? This shared modern struggle originates within each of us, rooted in a fundamental aspect of the human psyche and intensified by the system we navigate.
To shed light on this, we will first explore how technology, along with a system that cleverly harnesses it, has proven remarkably effective at exploiting our vulnerabilities. Then, we will dive into the individual root of this malaise.
Technology is a truly remarkable thing when it works in our favor, offering seamless access to tools and services that simplify our lives. We can connect with loved ones across the globe, and launch businesses from the comfort of our homes, while artists and creative minds have new ways to reach a wider audience. It holds the power to enrich our lives with vast knowledge and an impressive range of information. However, amid the relentless pace of modern life, and the unspoken expectation of constant availability, it’s clear that technology at our fingertips has become a double-edged sword.
As it develops, we become increasingly accustomed to speed, on-demand services, and instant gratification. We are continually bombarded by endless distractions; whether through notifications, emails, messaging apps, information overload, or social media. We spend most of our time mindlessly switching between tasks or trapped in endless scrolling unable to be fully present with the people around us, engage in meaningful work, or access the expansive flow state. We are cut off from the deeper aspects of our humanity, which inevitably leads to fragmentation, and sometimes results in procrastination and a sense of overwhelm.
Our attention became the currency traded between tech companies and advertisers to fuel what some call “the attention economy.” Tech companies design their platforms to capture as much of our attention and time as possible. By satisfying our brain’s craving for novelty and instant gratification, they generate “engagement.” The more we stay “engaged”, whether by scrolling, liking, clicking, or accepting cookies, the more personal data we generate.
The data allows these companies to track our online behavior and to build detailed profiles that are sold to advertisers, enabling highly targeted digital marketing. In some cases, this could be quite convenient and reduce the pollution generated by advertisements we aren’t interested in. But it mostly invades our nervous system, contributes to our mindlessness, and further drives our collective consumerism: our endless pursuit of fulfillment, which slips away as soon as it’s within reach.
The more troubling consequence of this system is that it has recognized how much easier it is to keep users engaged by feeding them content tailored to their views and past behaviors. It works even better when this content triggers strong emotions like anger, fear, or excitement. It creates “echo chambers” where people are repeatedly exposed to extreme content that aligns with their own beliefs.
As a result, individual viewpoints are therefore reinforced, shutting out alternative perspectives. This has led to a significant rise in polarization in recent years, leading to unfortunate real political and social consequences. In my view, raising awareness about this issue is crucial. Today, more than ever, encouraging critical thinking is necessary. It expands our minds, allows for nuance and complexity, and helps us stay away from one-dimensional thinking. Ultimately, this fosters a safer and more inclusive world where peaceful coexistence is possible.
While the systemic forces are undeniable, our scattered attention often stems from within. It is important to turn inward and explore the personal patterns that contribute to our struggle with distraction. Some of us are more susceptible to it than others, and I count myself among those who are. I often reach for my phone or open a new tab as soon as an uncomfortable feeling arises, may it be anxiety, pressure, pain, sadness, or boredom.
The avoidance of discomfort is deeply human. It is an age-old coping mechanism. It is our nervous system telling us: “Hey you! I don’t have enough space to deal with this overwhelming, unpleasant feeling right now, can you do something about it?” So, rather than judging it, why don’t we approach the situation with compassionate curiosity and try to create the right environment and conditions that support our nervous system and promote clarity?
To fully process our thoughts and our feelings we must first contain them as described in Bion’s Theory of Containment. This approach contrasts with our instinctive reaction to unpleasant feelings, which is ignoring, dismissing, or controlling them, in short, escaping from them. Instead, we could cultivate the ability to gather and hold our feelings, allowing ourselves to be present with them in a non-judgmental and empathetic way.
This practice enables us to move through our emotions and thoughts, allowing the natural pulsation of life with its positive and negative energy to move through us (see the previously published article: Resisting change is resisting life). This both requires space and creates space. It enhances the capacity to deal with discomfort, to self-regulate our emotions, our impulses, and eventually our attention. Sometimes, we need a trusted friend or therapist to support and hold space for us, to be “our container.” However, our ultimate goal is to slowly but surely build and strengthen our capacity to do this for ourselves.
Moreover, our scattered minds often reflect a fragmented self, struggling to reconcile conflicting desires and emotions. As Carl Gustav Jung emphasized, finding serenity involves integrating all aspects of ourselves, even those that feel divided. It may seem paradoxical, but embracing our tendencies toward escapism or procrastination can bring relief. This openness allows us to recognize these behaviors as symptoms of a deeper longing for an authentic connection with ourselves and others.
Understanding what pulls us away from distraction begins with exploring our values and what ignites our curiosity and our vitality. As for me, I’ve never felt more alive than after an exciting, witty, and thought-provoking conversation that both enriches and broadens my mind while also amusing me or when diving deeply into a work or subject that tickles my curiosity and challenges me, much like this one.
These are the moments in my life where I lose all sense of time and forget that phones, emails, or anything outside of what I am engaged in even exists. This, I believe, is what is called the flow state. When I speak of flow or living life fully, I mean being aligned with what, not only makes us feel good but nourishes, elates, and elevates the soul.
This is usually experienced in inspiring exchanges, laughter, dance, sports, pleasurable work, creative expression, or simply the enjoyment of art. That is the best way to gently soften our defenses against strong emotions, whether pleasant or unpleasant, thereby expanding our inner container, and creating space for richer, more fulfilling connections.
Even in creative work, one may experience anxiety and the need to escape from it, as it requires serious bravery to deliver what lies in the depth of one’s soul. The other way to approach such work is best reflected in the words of Rainer Maria Rilke in Letter to a young poet: “Works of art are of an infinite solitude, and no means of approach is so useless as criticism. Only love can touch them and hold them and be fair to them. Always trust yourself and your feelings, as opposed to argumentations, discussions, or introductions. If it turns out that you are wrong, then the natural growth of your inner life will eventually guide you to other insights. Allow your judgments their own quiet, undisturbed development, which, like all progress, must come from deep within and cannot be forced or hastened.”
This principle can be extended to most areas of life. The voices of anxiety, guilt, judgment, doom, and daily concerns can cloud one’s mind, even in the face of the simplest tasks, growing louder as challenges increase. My approach to navigating these moments is to recognize those voices, intentionally place them in the background, center myself with a few deep breaths, and choose to trust in what I have to offer. When I’m able to do this, what needs to emerge often does so naturally, in its own time. This approach has often supported me, regardless of the situation.
We are not failures for being distracted; we are simply human, navigating a world that promotes an overstimulated, overcluttered, and confused state of being, fueling anxiety. Yet, it’s important to recognize that we often turn to our devices as a temporary relief from the discomfort of our inner conflicts, further intensified by the fast-paced, modern life we lead.
Ideally, technology should serve our practical needs while acknowledging that it cannot fulfill our deeper, more fundamental ones and is even likely to exacerbate them. There are effective ways to ground ourselves, connect with our bodies, and set boundaries around when and how we engage with technology.
However, the path to stability, clarity, and flow begins with the conscious choice to face our discomfort. This is not an easy task and can be experienced with an intensity that we often don’t feel capable of holding. It is a process that involves lowering our expectations and easing the pressure we put on ourselves, and requires patience, the ability to slow down, and plenty of self-compassion.
*Note: This article offers guidance that may be useful for individuals with Attention Deficit and/or Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) but does not cover the medical aspects of the condition.
