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Relationships teach us about joy and heartbreak, about pleasure and disappointment, about dependence and freedom, about self-abandonment and self-respect, about tenderness, resilience and repair. They show us messiness and beauty. They shed light on our strengths and on our wounds. They reveal the parts of ourselves that we struggle to see alone. Although confronting and uncomfortable at times, they create a powerful opportunity to get closer to who we truly are and, ultimately, to connect to another from a grounded place.
Love & relationships are complex, layered subjects. In this text, I do not presume to make sense of any. I am writing as a fellow traveler, inspired by my experiences, my struggles, the relationships that elevated me, the ones that humbled me, the encounters that guided me, including those with thinkers, writers and poets who gave language to what I once struggled to name. I also speak from my work as a body-oriented psychotherapist, where I witness again and again how deeply relationships shape us, how much suffering comes from disconnection and loneliness and how healing happens when a person finds enough ground to show up truthfully in the presence of another.
In the previous articles of this series, we focused on self-exploration and reconnection to the self: relearning to come back to one’s breath, one’s body, one’s rhythm, one’s history, to find and strengthen one’s anchor, to understand, reflect, embody, regulate and process emotions. In this article and the next, we bring the work back home, into our daily lives, not only to ourselves but also in relationship, where both the challenge and the reward lie. That is where we mature, grow, expand.
While the depth I speak of can be easily translated into romantic partnerships, it also applies to all meaningful relationships, whether in family, friendship, work or community.
1. FREEDOM AND CONNECTION
A common held belief is that we have to choose between freedom and connection, between sacrificing the other or sacrificing ourselves. As we try to navigate these two human needs, we often get caught in our defenses, in our patterns, sometimes feeling lonely, isolated or cut off. Depending on our early life challenges, we tend to fall back on one of these five common strategies: control, rigidity, holding back and resentment, dependency or withdrawal. When we begin to recognize that freedom and true connection can co-exist, and that they, in fact, go together, we can move toward more fulfilling relationships.
2. WHAT IS A RELATIONSHIP?
The way I see it, a relationship involves three entities: two people and what is born from their encounter. It is a kind of chemical reaction that opens a new door in each person, initiates a metamorphosis, and brings into being something that could never have existed had these two people never met. Much like when two stars meet, through their encounter a new center emerges. Over (a very long) time, through continuous transformation, beautiful galaxies and other celestial forms come into existence.
My invitation, here, is not to accumulate encounters at the surface, but to deepen the one’s that matter. It is also important to recognize when things turn really sour, when the reaction becomes persistently destructive, and to know how to walk away.
I mentioned in the first article of this series, how we are all driven by a deeply human impulse; a manifestation of the life force within us. This force, as Baruch Spinoza described desires nothing more than to persist in its being, to live, to expand, to unfold. No wonder why, when not held back by fear, we are continuously drawn toward others, toward difference, so the boundaries of our consciousness are pushed further, so our life force, our creative potential can unfold. But with expansion comes contraction, and it is in how these contractions are dealt with, in relationship, that strengthens and deepens the connection.
3. THE FOUR PILLARS OF LOVE
“Love is a commitment; love is growing up.” James Baldwin
Love is what brings and holds people together. What allows it to be nurtured, what allows a relationship to grow is what Erich Fromm describes in The Art of Loving (1956) as the four key elements of love, namely: Knowledge, Respect, Responsibility and Care.
It is crucial to understand that these four pillars apply not only to the relationship itself, in how we meet one another, but also in how each of us relates to oneself; the depth at which we meet another is tied to the depth at which we meet ourselves.
Knowledge: To see someone for who they truly are. To feel them. To listen. To understand.
How can we make this available to another? It requires presence and genuine curiosity toward them. Yet this becomes difficult when we are too busy defending ourselves, escaping from ourselves, and have not begun to cultivate that same presence and curiosity within.
If we remain oblivious to the ways we armor ourselves, our triggers, what makes us feel sad, alive, joyful or empowered, we cannot truly see another. We are likely to see them through the narrow lenses of our defenses, rather than from a more open place.
Self-exploration allows us to know what we need and where we stand and from there to meet another more clearly. It lays the ground for respect.
Respect: To give them the respect and dignity they deserve. To truly value someone.
I am not speaking of admiration that comes from a lack or from fear. I am speaking of a full-hearted respect, where we meet and value one another as equals. Here too, this must begin and be nourished within.
Having let myself down more than once, I have come to see this as a continuous learning process. It means having enough self-respect to name my boundaries, to name my needs, to ground myself in my truth. It means knowing who I am and not accepting to be treated for less than I am.
I have made sacrifices in life, in my most important relationship, some of which were not wrong. But the issue I had was that I couldn’t value any of them. At that time, it was difficult for me to do so as long as I couldn’t put a dollar amount on them. I didn’t value what I was bringing to the table. The truth is I had a hard time valuing myself. And, unsurprisingly, I did not feel seen or valued in return. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, I made myself smaller and smaller, my voice got weaker and weaker, until I felt like I was disappearing. I did not know who I was anymore; the years were passing by, and I felt like a spectator of my own life, a stranger in my own home. That ended up bringing me down, and my relationship with it. Heartbreak.
That was followed by a new journey: a way back to self-respect, a reconciliation with myself.
If we do not value ourselves, or do not stand up for ourselves, there is very little chance others will do so for us. And there is very little chance we can make others feel valued.
“To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home.” Joan Didion, Self-Respect, Vogue, 1961
For some people, a lack of self-respect can translate into a tendency to dominate, to impose, or to put others down, often out of insecurity or fear. Respect requires enough inner ground and trust to allow the other to exist as they are, without needing to control or diminish them.
For others, it can lead to withdrawal, not expressing themselves or their needs, living in isolation and self-blame, or in a persistent cycle of resentment and victimization. At times, it can also take the form of powerlessness or collapse, leading to self-abandonment.
Respect also requires discipline and discernment: doing right by one and another’s mind, body and heart. It is learned through experience, often through mistakes, and brings us closer to who we are and to each other.
“[…] character, the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life, is the source from which self-respect springs.” Joan Didion, Self-Respect, Vogue, 1961
One of the most important corollaries to self-respect is the strengthening of our inner power and our capacity to accept responsibility.
Responsibility: to take ownership for oneself and one’s actions. To trust and be trusted. To empower.
Responsibility is the bridge between freedom and connection, between being with oneself (identity) and being with another. Erich Fromm speaks extensively about this in The Fear of Freedom (1941), as does Wilhem Reich in Listen, Little Man (1948). They describe how the fear of freedom, sometimes manifesting as a childish demand for freedom without responsibility, creates unfulfilled people armored against others and the world. It feeds their frustrations, chokes their creativity, and leads them to lose themselves, eventually handing over their agency to others.
They extend their analysis to societies, seeing the incapacity to mature and take responsibility as a basis for fascist and authoritarian regimes.
Responsibility is often confused with guilt. I would argue that responsibility is the opposite of guilt. Guilt takes us down rabbit holes that weaken us. Responsibility strengthens us. It allows us to say: “I made a mistake; I don’t like how I feel about what happened. How can I support myself and what I truly need to find the strength to respond differently next time. How can I grow?” And this can be truly empowering.
Here, Power comes into play. Sadly, as the notion of power has so often been misused, we tend to shy away from it. Brené Brown brings a beautiful nuance to the use of this word and differentiates “Power over” from “Power with”, “Power to” and “Power within”. She uses the words of Martin Luther King Jr., to define power as “the ability to achieve purpose and effect change.” In this sense, power is not seen as inherently good or bad. What matters is how it is used and for which purpose. Then, she goes on defining the different forms of power:
• “Power over” is the disproportional use of strength and/or influence to gain something, even when that diminishes the agency or dignity of others. It is dangerous. It is invasive. It pushes the other down. It often reflects a loss of self in favor of domination or a desperate need to feel safe by putting someone else beneath oneself.
• “Power with” is based on mutual support, solidarity, collaboration, and the recognition and respect of differences. It is the opposite of loneliness.
• “Power to” is based on the belief that each individual has the power to make a difference.
• “Power within” is the ability to recognize differences and respect others while being grounded in a strong foundation of self-worth and self-knowledge. When we operate from power within, we feel able to challenge assumptions and long-held beliefs, to push against the status quo, and to ask whether there are other ways to serve the highest common good. Power within gives us choice which enables responsibility and develops resilience, our capacity to rise after setbacks. It develops inner-trust. Another essential element I will get back to. When grounded and rooted in mutuality, power, responsibility and trust shape the way we care for ourselves and for one another.
Care: To care about someone. To truly love and commit to another.
In the words of Erich Fromm, Care [and self-care] is the active concern for the life, wellbeing and growth of that which we love. It is present in any genuine relationship and fosters acceptance of oneself and another as whole and imperfect beings. It opens the heart. It makes us available to offer safety, patience and support.
It is important to distinguish between care that comes from the heart and its distorted expression. The latter stems from a lack of trust in the other’s capacity to take care of themselves and their own needs, assuming we know better than they do. It can feel infantilizing, even invasive. It does not leave enough room for the other to be in their truth, to trust themselves, to face their own mistakes, to take responsibility, and to grow into the resilient adult who can be met and treated as an equal.
Maya Angelou often repeated this African proverb: “Don’t trust a naked man who offers you a shirt.” What it points to is that our capacity to offer care, compassion, and love to another is tied to how we cultivate these within ourselves. When we learn to regulate ourselves, to enjoy life, and to support ourselves by tending to our mental, emotional, and physical needs, we become more available to others and to what we want to bring into the world.
In that sense, we become a living reference for what we wish for our loved ones. If we have never seen or experienced a steady, fulfilled adult who relates to themselves with care, respect, and compassion, it will be difficult to imagine that such a state truly exists or is available to us beyond theory.
Knowledge, Respect, Responsibility and Care brought to awareness and held as an intention, a direction toward which we want to actively move, is part of the work. We won’t always be able to access them, and it is a tremendous relief to know that when we cannot do so on our own, we have each other. In the upcoming article “Love & Relationships: Beauty, Struggles and the Way Back to the Heart”, we will move to the ‘How?’; we will explore how to bring these four pillars into our relationships and sustain them over time. Out next week, Stay Tuned!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hella Zouiten is a contributing writer at ELLE Egypt. She is a Core Energetics/ Body-mind integration psychotherapist living in France. If you would like to know more about her, click here.
