Few things in life are as taxing as a woman’s upkeep. Contrary to popular belief and wise words once sung by Beyoncé, we usually don’t just “wake up like this.” At least, not without a long list of appointments and a highly optimized planner. Surprisingly, looking this casually undone takes an agonizing amount of doing.
Enter the great paradox of modern womanhood: the art of being aggressively high-maintenance behind closed doors, just so you can look blissfully low maintenance on the street.
THE COST OF MAINTENANCE
We’re talking about strategic, military-grade upkeep. The kind of calculated vanity that requires enduring the sting of lasers, meticulously scheduled hair appointments, and a nighttime skincare routine that practically requires a degree in organic chemistry. We endure the chaos of the process all for one singular, glorious payoff: the ability to roll out of bed, grab an iced latte, and look like we didn’t even try.
Here are 7 high-maintenance ways to save time, energy, and effortlessly maintain the illusion of being entirely low-maintenance:
GEL MANI & PEDI
Between typing, opening packages, chores, and the abrasive combination of sand and saltwater, regular nail polish doesn’t stand a chance. For the summer months only, start getting gel polish. It’s another two hour appointment where you inhale chemicals while two technicians meticulously sculpt, cure, and refine your nails under a purple UV light. It’s a test of patience, and your phone screen will inevitably light up with notifications you can’t answer because your hands are trapped inside a tiny tanning bed. But once you’re done, your hands and feet are practically bulletproof for the next 3 weeks.
LASH LIFT
We’re of the belief that eyelash curlers are archaic instruments of torture that must be left in the past. In exchange for spending one hour of your life laying still on the esthetician’s bed with your eyes taped shut, smelling faint notes of perm solution, you render that metallic little clamp obsolete.
BROW LAMINATION
Lamination creates a full, feathery, brushed-up look that stays perfectly locked in place through sweat, humidity, and swimming in the sea. It completely eliminates the need for flakey brow gels and the daily struggle of trying to make your eyebrows stay in place.
HAIR GLOSS
We all want that shine in our hair that catches light whenever we turn our heads. But it almost feels like humidity, hard water, and the scorching Sahel sun have a personal vendetta against our hair. It’s a quick, easy step in your hair wash routine, and the effect is entirely optical, but undeniable. You’ll find yourself reaching for your hair shine serums less, and getting complimented on your hair more.
LASER HAIR REMOVAL
Summer is full of unexpected invitations left and right. There’s nothing less exhausting than the need for the panic-shave, the sticky mess of at-home waxing, and the agonizing wait for hairs to grow out just so you can rip them out again. A monthly laser appointment successfully gets rid of the entire concept of hair removal from your daily mental bandwidth. Just be sure to plan with your dermatologist to balance your sun exposure with your appointments.
MOROCCAN BATH
There’s a massive difference between being clean and being Moroccan-bath-clean. It’s like a high-intensity reset button for your body via 30 minutes of compromised dignity, watching literal rolls of dead skin come off your body, wondering how you accumulated so much debris. The difference is instantaneous; you’re left with soft skin that absorbs lotion instantly and a healthy glow.
LIP STAIN
If you appreciate a defined and contoured upper lip, this will be your saving grace. There’s absolutely nothing carefree about spending your night checking your phone camera to see if your lip products are still on. Pick a shade closest to your natural lip color in a lip stain marker for that subtle your-lips-but-better deception. You get to eat a full meal, swim in the sea, or drink your cold-pressed juice without needing to reapply for hours.
