I am Hella Zouiten, a Core Energetics therapist and a regular columnist for ELLE Egypt, where I reflect on our shared human condition and offer guidance through the challenges that shape us.
Core Energetics is a body oriented psychotherapeutic approach that allows me to support and accompany individuals who are seeking a life that feels more aligned and nourishing. You can learn more about my work in my recent video.
I am honoured to collaborate with ELLE Egypt for ELLE Anon, a dedicated and caring setting where anyone who feels called to do so can anonymously share questions related to personal, professional or relational concerns. My intention is to help you take the first step toward your own answers.
Each month, we’ll invite you to submit your questions through a link shared in our Instagram story on the first Monday, and we’ll respond to selected ones on the second Thursday.
1.”I’ve been suffering from insomnia every night for the past few weeks. Is there an alternative without medication?”
I’m sorry that you’ve been experiencing insomnia. A lack of sleep can take a real toll on the body, and carrying on with daily tasks under that kind of fatigue can feel deeply wearisome.
Given the fast paced lives most of us are living, insomnia seems to be increasingly common, especially as our brains are constantly stimulated by screens, short form content, and notifications, while our bodies are often not moving enough. This creates a discrepancy between the signals the body is receiving and the activity it is actually engaging in. As a result, the body can remain prepared for an activity that never happens, which prevents it from fully discharging and relaxing. It stays in a state of tension that does not support deep sleep.
Insomnia is very often linked to an overactive mind and a tense or stressed body. What we are therefore looking for are ways to help the body release and the mind quiet down. The first thing I almost always recommend is movement. Exercises which release feel good hormones such as endorphins and oxytocin, and which support breathing can be very helpful. This looks different for everyone, so it’s important to move toward what calls you most. Sometimes, just adding a few extra steps to your daily routine is a very good start. In addition, anything that allows you to slow down, disconnect from the demands of daily life, and reconnect with yourself can be deeply regulating. Practices such as yoga, meditation, reading preferably not on a screen, writing by hand, or engaging in any form of art can be very releasing. Time in nature and any form of slow living activity help regulate the nervous system and often improve sleep quality.
For a while, I practiced morning routines, waking up earlier than the rest of the household to create time for myself, to meditate, journal, and/or read quietly. It allowed for some self-care time and helped me establish structure, which, in turn, helped me feel more centered, less fragmented.
Establishing stable bedtime and wake-up times can also be supportive, as it gives the body a stable sleep cycle that it can, over time, settle into.
I, also, encourage avoiding phones or television for at least an hour before bed, paying attention to diet, and not eating large meals close to bedtime.
When insomnia does occur, it often comes with a lot of rumination. What becomes important then is creating some space between yourself and your thoughts, which is often most effectively done by reconnecting to the body. You can start by gently connecting with bodily sensations by noticing where there is tension, naming it, breathing into it, sometimes placing a hand there, and observing if anything shifts. You might notice another sensation elsewhere. Naming what is happening in the body and returning to this process again and again can be grounding and calming. A simple breathing exercise can also be very effective: breathing in for four counts, holding for seven, and exhaling for eight. The exact numbers are not essential. What matters most is that the exhale is longer than the inhale, as this supports relaxation.
Also, body scan meditations, guided meditations if you have access to them through an app, or listening to an audiobook can help, preferably stories rather than mentally stimulating material.
My mother’s advice has always stayed with me: don’t fight it. If insomnia persists and you have the option, gently turn on a soft bedside lamp and read a book (preferably not on a screen), without insisting on sleep returning. Trust that if your body needs sleep, it will eventually come back. The insistence on falling asleep often adds tension and becomes self-defeating. All of the practices mentioned above can be used as tools to come back to the present moment, soften the body, step out of forcing, and create some distance from the mind’s stories.
When rumination takes over, I sometimes remind myself how many times I have planned for a situation or a conversation, only for it to unfold completely differently. It almost never happens the way we plan. This helps loosen the need to control. Another helpful approach is to tell yourself that you will give these thoughts time and space, but tomorrow morning. Acknowledge them, and for tonight, let them go.
Prayer can also be a powerful way to find your way back toward sleep. Turning inward, connecting to the heart, and resting into one’s spiritual dimension can bring a sense of perspective and calm when the mind feels crowded. Reciting verses, repeating a familiar prayer, or quietly returning to a phrase or intention can offer solace and help soften the grip of what feels overwhelming. This gentle repetition often allows concerns to be held within a wider frame, easing their intensity and gradually bringing a sense of inner quiet.
I would also encourage anyone experiencing ongoing insomnia to begin with a general health checkup, including hormonal and other biological factors, to see whether there are imbalances that could be supported naturally or otherwise.
If, despite all of this, the tension does not leave the body, it may indicate that it is deeply ingrained through past experiences and memories. In such cases, psychotherapeutic work, particularly body-oriented therapy, can help release what the body has been holding.
2.” From someone who struggles to welcome different kinds of emotions and who’s trying to deal with it : When a situation feels outrageously frustrating and unfair, how can this feeling be accepted without just avoiding and ignoring it ?”
Many people struggle to welcome what are labeled as “negative emotions,” such as anger and frustration. We often believe that if we allow these emotions to rise, they will take over and that something really bad will happen. So we tense, we block, we hold back, we don’t let them arise or flow.
It is important to understand that there are no wrong feelings. There may be wrong actions, but the way we feel (frustrated, angry, loving, hateful, joyful, and so on) is not wrong. Trying to force our feelings to be different from what they are, or to avoid or ignore them as you mention, will not make them go away. As long as we do not make space for what is alive within us, it will continue to run the show from underneath. This often increases the risk of something going wrong, either by one day reacting compulsively in an exaggerated way, or by turning that energy against ourselves, which can be very harmful for both our body and our mental health.
Coming back to your question, it already contains part of the answer. The fact that you are even considering welcoming a feeling you have been struggling to welcome is already a very important first step. Holding this as an intention sends a meaningful signal to your nervous system.
That said, in the heat of the moment, it is indeed difficult, sometimes, to stay with certain emotions, so I hear you when you ask for the “how.” In my previous article, The Ever-Becoming Self, Part 3: Reconnecting with Your Body, I go deeper into the ways in which we can make space for our feelings. And making space does not mean acting them out.
In this case, one very effective way to allow a feeling to move through you is to breathe and notice what is happening in your body when the situation arises. Is your stomach tightening? Is your jaw clenching? Do you feel tension in your back? Did you stop breathing? Do you feel a lump in your throat? Simply noticing these sensations already helps anchor you in your body, releasing some of the held tension and allowing energy to flow again.
Breathing into these areas and reconnecting with yourself, while exploring with curiosity why certain situations provoke such strong reactions, can be very revealing. Are your sensations signaling something in your current reality that needs to be addressed? How has injustice manifested in your life in the past? What was avoidance trying to protect you from in those moments? What was the frustration signaling then? A boundary crossed? Something violated? A feeling of being treated unfairly? Is the present situation linked to something from your past?
Repeating this exercise whenever these situations arise can open the door to deeper exploration and, at times, meaningful realizations. It can help you distinguish what in the feeling belongs to the past and what belongs to the present, the here and now of the situation you are facing. This discernment helps clarify what is yours to carry and what is not.
It can also be very helpful to name what you discover, to write it down, and, when possible, to share it with someone you trust. Noticing how you have responded to these situations so far can also bring clarity. Is there another feeling that lives underneath the frustration? Is there an unconscious pattern such as : swallowing frustration and pushing forward, blaming, or withdrawing, etc. ? How deeply ingrained does this pattern feel?
If it feels rooted in something deeper, it may be worth continuing this exploration within a therapeutic setting. Therapeutic work can help understand, unlock, and gradually step out of these patterns, supporting a healthier way of expressing yourself and relating to others.
From there, it becomes possible to take a step back, feel what needs to be felt, and then meet the reality in front of you as it is. This allows you to respond in a more grounded way: expressing what needs to be expressed with respect, without judgment, naming your boundaries, acknowledging where you felt treated unfairly, and asking for what you need or what feels right for you.
3. “My teenage daughter is constantly contradicting me. How can I calm and improve our dialogue?”
Adolescence is the period in life when a person moves from childhood into adulthood. Many changes are happening at once in a teenager’s body, emotions, perception, and inner world, which can make this a very vulnerable time. It has often been compared to the moment when a snake sheds its skin as it grows. The old skin has become too tight, so it must be left behind to allow growth. Yet before the new skin hardens, the snake is exposed and highly vulnerable to predators. In a similar way, teenagers can feel shaken by all the changes they are going through, raw, exposed and often confused, which can make them irritable. This irritability is usually directed toward the people closest to them, most often their parents.
Adolescence is also the time when we begin to define ourselves as distinct, unique individuals. Very often, this process starts by defining themselves against what they have always known, their family and upbringing, in order to feel that they exist as their own person. As challenging as this can be, it is a healthy and necessary process.
What supports teenagers most during this time is presence and a sense of safety. Although they may resist it strongly, limits and boundaries are deeply needed. Clear rules and structure provide a framework within which they can relax. Being firm and consistent with rules, while remaining emotionally available and willing to listen, creates a balance that supports dialogue. It is also important that teenagers have access to their own private space, separate from other family members. This teaches them that they can honor their own boundaries and offers them a protected environment in which to grow into themselves.
Coming back to your question about contradiction, an important first step is to notice what happens in your own body when your daughter challenges you. It creates a small inner distance that keeps you from reacting impulsively, and it will tell you something about yourself. Many of our reactions are not responses to what is happening in the present moment, but reactions to our own stories and triggers. Often, they are linked to what we want or do not want our children to be, or to live through.
Our children are part of our lineage, and adolescence is a time when they naturally come to shake our truths as they build their own. This can trigger fear and self doubt, and without noticing it, we may start defending ourselves rather than staying open. My own son is entering adolescence, and I recognize what you are describing. I also hear from many other parents how deeply triggering our children’s behavior can be. We all overreact and feel overwhelmed at times. In any case, this creates the opportunity to look deeper within.
As Carl Jung said, “the greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.” This is not an encouragement toward selfishness, but rather a reminder that when parents take care of themselves, their wellbeing, boundaries, and inner alignment, they are more available to truly listen, receive, and see their child as they are.
A dear friend once shared her experience with her eldest daughter. She felt a strong fear of failing in this particular mission of parenting, believing that we often make the most mistakes with the first born. At the same time, many things were happening in her life that felt outside of her control, and she felt unable to be the parent she wanted to be. Their relationship had been very close, almost symbiotic until then, and her daughter’s teenage years felt extremely violent for her emotionally.
This is particularly true in the mother-daughter relationship. Daughters often need to separate and detach from their mothers in order to become their own person and their own woman, within their own vision and truths. Then she realized, thanks to therapy that, she is also now going through a change which is becoming the parent of a teenager, and that she too was learning. That allowed for self-compassion and opened the door to new ways of dealing with her child. She also realized that it had taken her a very long time to free herself from the need for her own mother’s approval. She did not want to reproduce the same pattern. She wanted to raise an autonomous woman.
She noticed how often she was knocking on her daughter’s door, checking-in on her, asking if she needed something, tea, or calling her for dinner, and how her daughter experienced this as smothering. What felt like rejection to her was, in fact, her daughter’s need for separation. Their relationship changed dramatically when she accepted giving her daughter more space.
Another important turning point came when she realized that most of her reactions were not reactions to what her daughter was saying or doing, but reactions to her own fears and unresolved trauma. She was trying to protect her daughter from what she herself had lived, in the past. This awareness was painful, but it allowed a gradual shift : transforming anxiety and fear to love and trust, which is not easy and takes time. So, if you choose this process, be patient with yourself.
Communication and trust are essential. Supporting a teenager also means slowly relinquishing control and accepting that their path will be their own. What we can offer is presence, love, and a stable framework. Letting go of control is not simple and often requires self exploration and inner work. A parent who feels more fulfilled and aligned within themselves is better able to offer trust and space to their child.
At the same time, it is important to underline again the importance of limits and boundaries. Teenagers will continuously challenge them, and this is part of how they define who they are. These boundaries provide safety. You are not their friend; you are their parent.
Perhaps one of the most important things to remember is that our children are mirrors and, somehow, our teachers. Through them, we are invited to face our wounds, soften our defenses, and reconnect with parts of ourselves that were forgotten. And it is often by moving toward a more fulfilling life, that we are better able to raise healthy, autonomous children and support them as they spread their wings.
This could indeed be the subject of a longer article, if not a book. Thank you for bringing it up.
ABOUT THE AUTHOUR
Hella Zouiten is a contributing writer at ELLE Egypt. She is a Core Energetics/ Body-mind integration psychotherapist living in France. If you would like to know more about her, click here.
