I am Hella Zouiten, a Core Energetics therapist and a regular columnist for ELLE Egypt, where I reflect on our shared human condition and offer guidance through the challenges that shape us.
Core Energetics is a body oriented psychotherapeutic approach that allows me to support and accompany individuals who are seeking a life that feels more aligned and nourishing. You can learn more about my work in my recent video.
Starting this week, I am honoured to collaborate with ELLE Egypt for ELLE Anon, a dedicated and caring setting where anyone who feels called to do so can anonymously share questions related to personal, professional or relational concerns. My intention is to help you take the first step toward your own answers.
We will receive your questions through the link posted on our Instagram story and respond to selected ones every other Thursday.
1.”Everyone at my company is cruel about our corporate job, which isn’t important, we’re not saving lives. They think our work is dire but end up taking the credit for other people’s work. The problem is that the system is designed to pit people against each other.“
Hella’s response: What I hear is that you live (as we spend most of our time at work) in what feels like a hostile environment. I also hear that the culture at your company is designed to foster this hostility you are living in. First of all, I want to acknowledge how difficult this must be for you. Then it is important that you strengthen your ground so you can feel how these interactions impact you and, from there, clearly communicate to your colleagues what feels acceptable to you and what does not: what your boundaries are. Anger, for instance, is an emotion that shows you that you need safety and that you need to protect yourself by clearly stating your boundaries.
Also, hearing that your job does not carry any meaning for you feels like a deeper pain to me, and it must be acknowledged. Once grounding has been worked through, it is important to connect to yourself and gain clarity about your core values and what you want for yourself in life. Listen to that voice inside you; it will not lead you astray.
2. “I often struggle to tell close people when something they do hurts me. I dislike giving or receiving reproaches, so I tend to stay silent, even though it affects me and creates distance in my relationships. How can I express my feelings without feeling like I’m reproaching the other person?“
Hella’s response: I am sorry about your struggle and your hurt in this. And I want to honor your willingness to stay in connection despite the pain — it is very brave. One way to approach this is to take a moment and really feel how this interaction impacts you as it is happening: what goes on in your body? Is your stomach clenching? Are your jaw or shoulders tensing? Did you hold your breath? Etc.
Take a deep breath. That already allows you to connect to yourself and speak from a more grounded place. From there, you can open up to the person about how what you received from them impacted you: When you say these words… I feel hurt, or I feel like I can’t breathe, etc. This alone will pave the way for a more heart-led conversation for both of you.
If you want to go further, you can also say: When this happens or when you say this, the story I tell myself is… and see what beliefs and images come up when faced with certain situations. Do you feel guilt? Do these interactions with this person awaken your inner critic, which can be harsher than the person in front of you? Do you feel criticized? Unseen? Not enough? Try to bring this out into the open; it will take you away from reproaches and create the closeness and openheartedness you are longing for.
3. “I recently got hired for a job, which is my first full-time job after graduating, and I’m not sure if I want to pursue it further. Is it too late to change careers/shift careers, so that this job doesn’t set the tone for future opportunities?“
Hella’s response: First of all, congratulations on your graduation; which you must have worked very hard for, and on being hired for your full-time job. Try to take in everything that you have achieved so far. This is very important.
Then, I hear some pressure around having to stick with one job and one career path forever. From someone who has experienced some career changes, the spontaneous answer to your question is no. The flow of life is, in its essence, rooted in continual change. Whether we can move with life or not is the question we need to explore.
Change is not easy, but resisting it can make life unbearable at times. I would encourage you to enjoy your current job as much as you can, learn as much as you can, and to go beyond the fear in order to move on when the time comes. Life is full of surprises and encounters, and you never know what it holds for you next. We can always reinvent ourselves; sometimes we can do it on our own, and sometimes we need support. I hope that when the moment arrives, you can lean on both your inner trust and the support available to you
4.”How do you deal with someone at work who is mean? Especially when the way they talk to you is condescending and hurtful?“
Hella’s response: The first thing that comes to me: is this person higher in ranking: for instance, your manager, or boss? Does she have power over you? If it is the case, it feels very wrong to me that this person is using her power to belittle you and address you in mean ways. This should not be tolerated in any company or organization, and I hope that you can get the right support for this.
In any case, it is very important that you cultivate your inner strength and ground into what is happening within you, and feel how this situation is impacting you. Then I would encourage you to breathe into it, and in your own time, face your coworker. I would encourage you to state your boundaries, when you felt they have been crossed, and to highlight the words and manners in which you felt belittled or hurt. It is important for this colleague to understand the impact of her words and actions, from your experience instead of picking on what she should or should not say or do.
You can also open up about how feeling the way you feel does not encourage your willingness or your enthusiasm for the work at hand, which ultimately harms everyone in the company.
ABOUT THE AUTHOUR
Hella Zouiten is a contributing writer at ELLE Egypt. She is a Core Energetics/ Body-mind integration psychotherapist living in France. If you would like to know more about her, click here.
